The Beauty in Breaking

I have battled with writing this for a while, yet knew I needed to do it for many reasons. For one, I know this will touch and hit home for other women that have been on a similar journey.  A journey of trying to be everything to everyone, wanting to have it “all”, and often losing themselves along the way.  A journey of those that try and please and make everyone else happy, yet they neglect their own wants and desires.  I know I am not alone.  Second, I feel God has been pushing me little by little to share my story…my breaking that led to a breakthrough.  

Sharing and being vulnerable can be daunting but it can also be a healthy release and lead to much needed healing. I am dedicating this post to those who have suffered internally with any life challenge, heartbreak, or mental break. I want you to know that through every battle or breakdown, there can be beauty on the other side.  You don’t have to go through it alone, and you shouldn’t. Just know that you are worthy of care, support, releases, and new beginnings.  What I beg of you is this…Don’t hold it in. Don’t feel like you can manage by yourself. Don’t keep masking how you truly feel. 

For me I didn’t heed this advice until recently. My journey to healing and rebirth, in a sense, started Feb 24, 2018.  That date stays forever imprinted in my mind, because it was the day I did something totally with myself in mind. A decision for ME, and it was so freeing. It was my beautiful moment…after breaking. I left my career, position, my team, my work family, my six-figure salary, bonuses, 401K, hotel and airline elite status. All the corporate perks and lifestyle I thought would be enough and make me happy.  All the things I let define a huge part of me, I said goodbye to. I didn’t take a risk as many others saw it. I took care of myself and my internal happiness and well-being. It was the best decision I could have made for myself. 

I invite you on this journey with me and I hope during this walk you are inspired, ignited, or led to live your life on your terms as much as possible.   Because when you do, no amount of money, no big job title, accolades or lifestyle perk can compare.  

Internal peace and happiness are priceless and are worth more than anything. Think about it – When was the last time you felt calm? What were you doing? Where were you?  How can you get more of those moments?

Any time we hear the word “breaking” it has a negative connotation to it.  Someone broke a leg, another person is brokenhearted, or someone is broken up over the news that was shared. With all the metaphors and examples, we all hear, no one should be surprised that people hide, people shut down, and people don’t share when they are BREAKING or BROKEN mentally.  To my former self, it would make total sense to shut down and mask all my hurt up. It seemed easier that way. It was a learned behavior for me and a way I thought I coped. Give everyone else the illusion that you are ok.  What I found out was when you mask and conceal, you bury one hurt over another, until you can’t hide anymore. The masked feelings, pain, unsaid words, stresses, and emotions come out in different ways. It could be weight gain, acne, sleepless nights, panic attacks, rage, anxiety, depression, feelings of helplessness.  It was all those for me.

I had been breaking for a while. I have always been a person that tried to keep it all together, always worried about what people would say or think of me, and quite frankly, always putting others before myself.   I have also always been the friend and family member looking out for everyone else. Being their listening ear, coming to the rescue, always being responsible, always checking in on someone else before myself.  I am sure many of you can relate being this solid as rock dependable person yet leaving yourself out of the equation.

Since I was a little girl, all I would dream about was having a family of my own one day.  So, when my husband and I were expecting, and growing our family I was over the moon! So excited that God chose me to be a Mom, and a Mom to not one, but three human beings! But parenthood mixed in with all the ups and downs of life, adulting, hormonal shifts, out of state moves, and hard expectations I put on myself wasn’t always pleasant and rosy. What many of us saw when starting families, were picture perfect images of families, and less about the messy parts and the mentally draining parts of parenthood. 

It truly started when we moved back to Virginia from Texas. I was 8 ½ months pregnant and moving to a completely new state. I had to find a new Obstetrician, Midwife, create a birth plan with a new caregiver, find schools for our two year old and four year old, a place to permanently live, continue to high perform on my job, and get acclimated to a new location and way of life. On the outside I definitely made it look seamless. I did my natural “I will conquer and organize it all” number, but I was exhausted.  Anyone that has moved from one state to another knows that it takes a lot to do so! You add kids on top of that and being pregnant on top of it, and it’s exasperated.  But as women, we have been taught for so long to fight through and keep being this praised “superwoman.” Even Superwomen need lifelines. You know what, in all honesty, lets get rid of that term “Superwoman.” 

We welcomed our first daughter, and last child into the world August 2013. I finally was blessed with my girl and was so happy. But then I had many dark periods after. You see so many women do have dark moments or periods after giving birth. Postpartum blues and Postpartum depression(PPD) affect many women. A recent study found that 1 in 7 women experience PPD in the year after giving birth. Often times we think something is “wrong” with us or we are scared to even talk about it or too scared to seek help. 

About 3 weeks after having my daughter we moved from corporate housing to a rental home. That was another change and another stressor. Looking back, I am in shock I did that, but I was in survival mode, and did what I needed to do. How many of us are often operating in survival mode – doing what just needs to be done? 

We ended up moving two more times while in Virginia.  I still worked my fast-paced job, took a promotion thinking that was the “right thing to do”, and many nights was a single parent to our three kids while my husband travelled internationally for work. I wanted to do it all, be all, but couldn’t do it anymore. So many women feel like this. The constant tug of wanting every aspect of our lives to work all at the same time, but this tug is coming from every direction. The question becomes – what do we give our attention to and how do we create a healthy balance?

“You Can’t Keep this Pace up Forever.” – My Mother

The words to this day resonate with me. I felt everything she was saying but didn’t want to admit she was right.  Have you been there? What advice have your parents or loved ones given you that you have come to realize is spot on? What advice was given that was right at the time but you ignored it? 

I wanted to be the one that triumphed through it all, smiling and masking to others how I really felt. My mom had been here at this very place before; she felt my heaviness and exhaustion. She too, a Wife, Mother, businesswoman. She felt this before. The exhaustion of trying to be the superwoman, and do it all, to the detriment of your own health and sanity. 

But I continued to power through. Because, that’s what we do right? RIGHT?! Again, here we go masking more and masking more…causing a buildup. 

 At work I was seen as the most positive person. I managed a big cybersecurity team moving my way up the corporate “ladder.”  I had a personal relationship with each team member. We were a close work family. I was always ready to be a listening ear to professional needs as well as personal. I would never share what was going on with my struggles, because I was the manager, and I would dare not do that! I self-contained and continued to be upbeat Brooke but it got harder. I gave all to my career, sometimes doing the jobs of others. I also many times was the only Black professional in meetings I attended and tables I sat at. Often one of the only women.  That takes on its own mental strain and sometimes frustration. 

My nights got more restless, I had horrible foggy brain, it was hard to get out of bed and finish tasks and my patience was wearing thin at home. I was losing the battle.  I was not happy doing the work I had done for so long. I was MISERABLE. I was burning out and quick. I am sure so many of you have reached the burnout “breaking point.”

“Chronic stress is more like hearing a dripping faucet. First you notice it, then you get irritated and finally you can’t stand it anymore.” – Deepak Chopra  

All I really wanted was TIME. Dedicated, sweet time to give to myself and my family. But when you try and live in Society norms, you often feel that downtime is not realistic.  I masked many panic attacks, and anxious moments while working. Self-care wasn’t a household term back then and not really championed like it is now. It was a time of “You can sleep when you are dead”, “Team No Sleep”, and “You can have it all just the way you want it!” I even had a former colleague  “joke” with me and say “Your pregnant AGAIN?!, it seems like you just got back from maternity leave?” 

Panic attacks became more frequent. I had my biggest panic attack happen on a flight from Vegas back to Virginia, and I for sure thought I was going to die. I even asked God to just take me, because I was so tired.  I just had taken a huge promotion and step in responsibility of an entire business and the weight of everything pressed on me. I put my jacket over my head and tried to rest my head on the window thinking to myself “If they see me and what I am really going through, I will get kicked off the plane.” It was a very out of body experience, and yet I still tried to focus in on masking it.

My husband came to me one day, and said “Have you ever thought about taking time off from work?”  My eyes got big and I looked at him with a blank stare and probably eyes bulging out of my head.  He had seen all that I was doing, putting in for the family and at work, and saw that I needed a much-needed pause.  I hadn’t been around many family members or friends where the wife stayed home.  We all were career women and working HARD. My mom was a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM) for a little while but she realized is wasn’t for her.  I had never thought about it, but in that moment, I knew exactly what I needed… 

I then replied, “I would love to take a break, and focus on my health, myself and our family.” At that moment we had both a look of relief and that we had one another. I didn’t feel like I had to mask it all. A heaviness lifted from me. I felt as if I could breathe again. I was moving toward what I really wanted all along, in this season of life.  But things are often easier said than done.  How does one change their whole life and lifestyle after years of habit? Have you been in a season where you knew changing your old habits was vital to your well-being physically and mentally?

Women often take on a lot of the household and mental stresses of raising kids. I think some of it is by nature, and some of it is “societal” tradition. I think more and more parents felt this during the pandemic.  We saw that more women left the workforce because it was too much to handle the demands of work and home.  Women, in many cases, bared the brunt of the lion share of work and responsibility.  Even mentally, we are in our heads and in our google calendars, organizing and scheduling everyone’s activities and appointments, and trying to keep track of it all…this is called Cognitive Labor – which takes its own emotional toll. 

Leaving work was not AS hard as I thought but it was still hard.  The reason why I think it was hard for me, is I was so concerned about would I be able to come back if I wanted, would I have a sense of purpose, and would I lose myself. I spoke to one of my female mentors, who shared her experience with me. She told me she was in a similar battle when her kids were young, and she took about 3 years off. It was the best decision she could have made. When she was ready and had a clear headspace, she went back to work, creating a new career niche for herself.  That was all I needed to hear to act out on my plan. My mentor also asked me a moving question:

“Would you Regret it if you Didn’t take the time off?” – My Mentor and Manager

And my answer was YES. I would regret it, and always wonder “What if?” So, I put my notice in, and for the first time I felt truly FREE. I made a decision with not anyone else in mind, but myself.  I didn’t risk anything; I took A Leap of Faith.  I knew I needed this to heal in more than one way.

The first thing I did was be STILL. I had not been still in so long it was very hard to do. I failed at it many times and signed up to do things that I probably should have not, but I learned all throughout the way.  I took time to get back to things I loved and missed doing: concentrated 1:1 time with my husband and kids, working out consistently, making homecooked meals without rushing, crafting, writing (yes I said writing) letters and I read…I read a lot.  Those are some of the tangible things I did, but what was the most fulfilling and eye-opening part of this journey was revitalizing my soul.   I awakened senses and feelings in me that I didn’t allow myself to feel in a very long time.  I worked on healing thoughts I had of myself, my abilities, and my worth.  I committed to therapy in many different forms. It felt so good to share things with my therapists that I had weighing on me for many years.  Soul Reconstructing and Alignment is a beautiful and powerful thing. 

I know not everyone can just up and leave a job.  I know I have been blessed to do that and blessed to have a husband who saw I needed a break and encouraged me to make a decision for ME.   What I do encourage us all to do is ask and demand help, stand up for YOU. Show up for yourself.  If we truly nurture and care for ourselves first, we can care for others.  Also give yourself grace, I never did that! I was always so hard on myself.  We teach our kids “don’t be so hard on yourself” or “Its ok,” but what are we really showing them? Are we practicing what we are preaching?

There is so much to living life on this Earth.  The days are long, but the years are truly short.  Get back to the simple joys that make you happy, take the pauses, find moments to be still. Say yes to the passion that is raging inside you, give freely to yourself, and create healthy boundaries to help others. You are worth it! Remember your worth is not tied to a job, what you make, or the items you check off your to-do list.  God made you in his image, you are worthy by design. 

Sometimes we do bend, bow out, or break – but those moments in our life oftentimes lead to the most beautiful new beginnings and rebirth.  I am rooting for you! I leave you with one specific call to action.  Time block sometime out everyday for yourself. Start with 30 minutes if this is hard for you (go longer if you aren’t new to this!) and do something for yourself that brings you a smile. You deserve to GLOW from the inside out. Burnout, Chronic Stress, Anxiety, and Depression are real. Seeking help is a sign of strength and caring for yourself is not selfish.

For More information on Chronic Stress and Breaking Points please visit the following links. Also keep coming back to www.emeraldinbloom.com – your safe haven and comfort zone.  Let’s not walk this road alone. 

Are you Addicted to Stress? https://www.oprah.com/inspiration/are-you-addicted-to-stress

5 Practices to help you manage daily stress – https://www.cnbc.com/2019/05/21/deepak-chopra-5-science-backed-practices-to-help-you-manage-daily-stress.html